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117-year-old man wins Croft injunction

North Yorkshire, Tuesday: A man who has been fighting noise pollution generated at the British racing circuit Croft for nearly 90 years has today celebrated his “victory” at getting the Yorkshire track’s owners to pay out £1 million in compensation to local residents.

Croft circuit, North Yorkshire

Sued: Croft circuit, North Yorkshire

Previous injunctions sought by other residents of properties surrounding the track had always been dismissed by the courts, most prominently in Mr. Justice Commonsense’s landmark “You-moved-in-next-to-the-bloody-racetrack-what-the-hell-did-you-expect” ruling of 1997. This case has since been used as a precedent in British law multiple times, usually when particularly stupid people are attempting to sue somebody after moving in to a house failing to notice that it was constructed next to an airport, motorway or nuclear power station. But when Norman Pitchfork brought his case before the High Court last year, the judge was forced to accept that Judge Commonsense’s ruling did not apply here.

“Mr. Pitchfork has lived in his property adjacent to Croft racing circuit since 1911,” the claimant’s lawyer, Horace Tedium of famous Thirsk law firm Monotony, Tedium & Verbosity told journalists. “Since racing at the former airfield only started in the 1920s, Mr. Pitchfork is perfectly within his rights to claim that his property has been devalued by the noise generated by motor racing at Croft.”

Mr. Pitchfork had repeatedly pressed for compensation before now, but his claims had always been turned down as the devaluation of his property caused by the circuit’s proximity had always been outstripped by inflation. Only in the wake of the current economic crisis has the value of Mr. Pitchfork’s house fallen below its 1911 value of “Three shillings, fivepence and a goat.”

“This judgement has been greeted by Mr. Pitchfork as a well-deserved victory,” Mr. Tedium continued, unnecessarily. “Though much of his newfound fortune will of course form part of his childrens’ and grandchildrens’ inheritance, he has also expressed interest in buying back the goat.”

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