• Disclaimer

    The Runoff Area is a website devoted to the purposes of humour and satire, not a serious motorsports news publication. When reading articles on this website - even you credulous folks over at ApexSpeed - please try to understand that they are not intended to be taken seriously. Sebastian Vettel is not a baby, I know of no plans to host a Grand Prix in South Ossetia, and Kimi Raikkonen doesn't respond to everything with a "bemused grunt." Or does he?
  • Legal Bit

    The text content of all posts from The Runoff Area are the intellectual property of Red Andy. You can share the jokes with your friends if you like, but please provide a link to the original. Images used on this website are not the property of The Runoff Area, and thus, where possible, a link is provided to the original image. If you own an image that is used on this site and would like it removed, please contact the webmaster.
  • Advertisements

“Bored” Schumi comes out of retirement

Kerpen, Thursday: After the shock news that seven-time F1 world champion Michael Schumacher is to make his return to the sport at Valencia next month, the German has revealed that “boredom” with retirement was the main factor prompting him to unhang his racing helmet.

Listless: Returning superstar Michael Schumacher

Listless: Returning superstar Michael Schumacher

“Initially, being retired was really good fun,” Schumacher said in a statement on his website. “I could get up whenever I wanted, walk the dogs all day, do the crossword in the paper and sit down for a relaxing meal with my family, without any of the pressures and strains of everyday life as a motor racing legend.”

However, Schumacher says that listlessness and a desire to do something more productive with the rest of his life set in around mid-2008: “After a year and a half or so, I started looking for another challenge. The bed wasn’t as comfortable anymore as my joints aren’t what they used to be. I started to get frustrated with the dogs crapping everywhere. The crossword puzzles were too hard and I couldn’t read the clues any more without my glasses. And, eventually, I realised that I can’t cook.”

After Felipe Massa was injured last week, therefore, Schumacher jumped at the chance to rejoin the F1 fraternity: “And then Willi [Weber, Schumacher’s manager] tells me that they’re willing to pay me three million euros per race! So long, crosswords!”

Schumacher admitted that he had tried taking up several hobbies to ease his frustrations, but that evening dance classes, lawn bowls and writing directionless, angry tirades to his local newspaper on the youth of today and local planning laws failed to capture his imagination in the same way as motor racing did.

Willi Weber welcomed his client’s return to Formula One, adding that he was “678% sure” that the 40-year-old German would never retire from F1 again.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: